We Can Do Hard Things

Dr. Orna Guralnik of Couples Therapy joins Glennon, Abby, and Amanda to reveal what’s really underneath our most maddening relationship fights—and how the differences we keep trying to eliminate might actually be the key to growing closer.

- What we’re really fighting about when we fight about the dishwasher;

- Why we can stop debating whether something is a “want” or a “need”—and what to ask instead;

- How to turn the thing that most frustrates you about your partner into an opportunity for growth;

- Why every relationship is its own “mini political system”; and

- What to do when you feel invisible to your partner.

About Dr. Guralnik:

Dr. Orna Guralnik is a psychoanalyst and writer, who serves on the faculty of NYU PostDoc, National Institute for the Psychotherapies, the Stephen Mitchel Center, and the editorial boards of Psychoanalytic Dialogues and Studies in Gender & Sexuality. Her writing centers on the intersection of psychoanalysis, dissociation, and cultural studies. She has completed the filming of several seasons of Showtime’s documentary series Couples Therapy.

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Why do so many of us feel responsible for everyone else's happiness while struggling to believe we're enough? Psychotherapist and Father Wound author Terri Cole joins us to uncover how our relationships with our fathers shape our self-worth, relationships, and the roles we play long into adulthood—and how to finally break free.

- The surprising signs you may have a father wound—even if you had a great dad.

- Why perfectionism, people-pleasing, and hyper-independence may be rooted in childhood.

- How we learn to earn love instead of simply receiving it.

- Why so many women reach a breaking point in midlife.

- How to stop managing everyone else and start living your own life.

More with Terri Cole:

Ep 402. Are You A High Functioning Codependent? Find Out with Terri Cole

About Terri:

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global relationship and empowerment expert and the author of Boundary Boss and Too Much!

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change.

She inspires over a million people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.

Her new book, Father Wound: Break Unhealthy Patterns to Reclaim Your Worth and Power, is available on November 17.

Enroll in Terri’s course: Understand & Transform Your Father Wound.

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What does it look like to keep showing up when the world gives you every reason to disappear?

Writer and artist Chanel Miller joins us for an unforgettable conversation about depression, healing, and her definition of success: refusing perfection and exhaustion, and continuing to show up as exactly who she is.

- Chanel’s brilliant way of understanding depression: seeing life through “toilet paper roll binoculars”—and why we shouldn’t make big decisions when our vision has narrowed;

- Why healing might sometimes be the permission to finally let go and move forward;

- How Chanel learned that presence—not perfection—is success;

- Why refusing to give up can itself be an act of resistance; and

- The extraordinary moment Chanel returned to Stanford, was “held in sound,” and heard the message that set her free: We got it. You can go now.

About Chanel:

Chanel Miller is a writer and artist who received her BA in Literature from the University of California, Santa Barbara. Her critically acclaimed memoir, KNOW MY NAME, was a New York Times bestseller, a New York Times Book Review Notable Book, and a National Book Critics Circle Award winner, as well as a best book of 2019 in Time, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, NPR, and People, among others. She is a 2019 Time Next 100 honoree and a 2016 Glamour Woman of the Year honoree under her pseudonym, “Emily Doe.”

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The most shocking thing about the Cornell and LSU sexual assault cases? That Cornell and LSU delivered more substantial results to those survivors than that afforded to 95% of college women brave enough to report their assaults to Universities.

So what actually happens when a student reports a sexual assault to their university?

Amanda sits down with sociologist and On the Wrong Side author Dr. Nicole Bedera—the researcher who spent a year embedded inside a university Title IX system—to pull back the curtain on the process we tell our kids to trust.

They reveal:

- How the vast majority of sexual assault reports lead to absolutely nothing;

- The crucial difference between filing a report and a formal complaint;

- The profound conflict of interest at the heart of a system run by the same institution whose reputation, liability, and finances are threatened by what it uncovers;

- What specific questions we should ask to actually find out if a college is a safer place to send our child; and

- Most importantly: If your child calls from college and tells you they have been sexually assaulted, who should you to talk to first, what specific things should you do, and what should you not do?

This episode is for every parent with a child in college, every student heading there, and anyone who cares about keeping our children safe.

About Nicole Bedera, Ph.D.:

Nicole Bedera, Ph.D. is a sociologist and author of the book On the Wrong Side: How Universities Protect Perpetrators and Betray Survivors of Sexual Violence. Her research broadly focuses on how our social structures contribute to survivors’ trauma and make sexual violence more likely to occur in the future. Her work has been featured in many popular media outlets, including The New York Times, NPR, Time Magazine, and Teen Vogue. Nicole puts her work into practice as an affiliated educator at the Center for Institutional Courage, as a co-founder of Beyond Compliance Consulting, and as a co-founder of the nonprofit The Survivor Alumni Network.

Read more from Nicole Bedera:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/daughter-advice-sexual-assault-college.html

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After The Episode That Wasn’t, we received nearly 1,000 voicemails in two days from women saying: This is my life at work. So we invited Emmy and Peabody Award-winning sports journalist Sarah Spain to talk about what actually works when you’re navigating sexism, harassment, and power on the job.

- Why telling women to “just report it” isn’t enough;

- The difference between what’s right and what actually works;

- Why women learn to laugh off behavior that isn’t funny;

- What to do when you finally have enough power to speak up for someone else; and

- Sarah’s reminder: You’re not making it awkward. The person who did the harmful thing already did that.

Listen to Ep 147 The Episode That Wasn’t here.

About Sarah:

Sarah Spain is an Emmy and Peabody Award-winning sports journalist. In her 12+ years at ESPN she has worked as a radio and podcast host, writer and TV analyst. She's a minority owner of the Chicago Red Stars of the NWSL, a co-founder of “Hear The Cheers,” which provides hearing aids and equipment to kids so they can continue participating in sports, and is on the board of Embarc, a program that provides community-driven experiences and learning opportunities to low-income Chicago high school students.

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