At Peace Parents Podcast

This is the fourth episode in my series on PDA and restrictive eating, and this one is for therapists.
If you are an occupational therapist, a speech language pathologist, or another type of therapist working with a child who isn't responding to gentle, play-based, sensory-based, or exposure-based feeding approaches the way you'd expect, this episode designed to help you.
I share the full arc of my older son Cooper's journey with extremely restrictive eating, from the time he was four and a half years old and eating primarily three processed foods, through five years of occupational therapy, to where he is today. I walk through how we adapted the SOS feeding protocol over time to incorporate autonomy, equality, lower demands, play, and connection to special interests. I also share five specific strategies you can bring into your sessions.
Key Takeaways
The Sensory Lens Is Not Enough | 00:02:04 I share how Cooper's restrictive eating was initially understood through a sensory lens, and how, for about a year and a half, that framing guided his therapy. But the sensory lens alone was not sufficient to explain the patterns I was seeing or to help him expand his eating. What I came to understand was that his survival drive for autonomy was also a major factor, and that the two had to be held together rather than treated separately.
What Was and Was Not Working | 00:11:56 I walk through what was working in the early stages of occupational therapy, specifically the therapist's focus on establishing relationship and rapport before moving to skill acquisition, and the role that dopamine, novelty, and sensory-intense experiences played in Cooper's initial engagement. I also describe what was not working: visual schedules and laminated choice boards, pressure to describe sensory experiences verbally, and structured home-based feeding protocols. For a PDA child, I explain, even chosen structure can become an internal demand.
Autonomy and Equality as Accommodations | 00:16:37 I describe two specific accommodations that became central to how we approached feeding therapy over five years: autonomy and equality. Autonomy meant shifting away from scheduled, structured feeding time and toward strewing, declarative language, and following Cooper's lead. Equality meant deliberately allowing him to win, be above the therapist and me in games, direct the session, and have the last word. I explain how these accommodations address the root cause of nervous system activation rather than managing the surface behavior.
Lowering Demands in the Session | 00:29:35 I describe what it looked like to lower demands in the occupational therapy session itself, meaning doing things for Cooper that he was cognitively or physically capable of doing himself, so that his available capacity could go toward tolerating and engaging with food. I give specific examples and I address the common concern that this approach enables children rather than building independence, and explain why the logic is different for PDA.
Special Interests as a Turning Point | 00:37:06 I describe the turning point in Cooper's feeding therapy, which came when eating became connected to his special interest in football. I explain how this connection made it possible to revisit things he had previously rejected, including the laminated food charts, but this time entirely on his terms. I also offer five specific strategies for therapists at the end of the episode.
Relevant Resources
Free Therapist Masterclass — Free class for OTs and therapists on PDA.
What Is PDA? — Overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.
Paradigm Shift Program —Our signature live coaching program where we walk families as they implement accommodations and move forward.

If you've heard me talk about autonomy, equality, and lowering demands before and thought, "But what does that actually look like at the dinner table?" — this episode is for you.
This is the third episode in my series on eating and PDA, and it's the most practical one yet. I'm walking you through six concrete accommodations you can experiment with if your PDA child or teen struggles with restrictive eating: autonomy, equality, lowering demands, sensory accommodations, strewing, and novelty and dopamine. Throughout the episode, I share anonymized client anecdotes and real examples from my own life as a mother of two PDA sons — including how our family navigated mealtimes during the hardest years and what things look like now.
This episode is meant to be an experiment you can try out and observe, not a prescription. I hope it it's helpful for you.
Key Takeaways
Why Restrictive Eating Happens | 00:00:00 Before getting into the practical tips, I revisit the causal logic for why eating is so often impacted in PDA children and teens. Control around eating tends to be the outcome of cumulative nervous system stress, and is often an attempt to reset autonomy and equality when a child can't find it in other areas of their life.
Autonomy Around What, Where, When, How, and If | 00:03:43 I break down autonomy into five buckets — what, where, when, how, and if a child eats — and explain how each one shows up in practice. This includes examples from my own home, like allowing my son to eat in front of a screen for years, delivering food on demand, offering a buffet of options, and giving treats before or with meals without attaching conditions.
Equality and Why It Matters at the Table | 00:22:41 I walk through what I mean by equality as a nervous system accommodation around food — not as a philosophical concept, but as something you can observe and act on. I share the story of how our family friend houseguests helped re-establish family dinners, and how my son Cooper started joining us at the table by running a drawing game where he was the judge and ranked all of us — an equality accommodation I sustained for about a year.
Lowering Demands and the Sensory Intersection | 00:27:56 I explain what lowering demands actually means in the context of eating: doing things for your child they could technically do themselves, in service of helping them access food. I share examples like packing a 16-year-old's lunch, delivering pizza reheated to the exact right temperature, cutting crusts off bread, and wiping out Tupperware to eliminate even a molecule of moisture.
Strewing, Novelty, and Dopamine | 00:35:51 I cover strewing — leaving food out without expectation — and why it works differently from direct offerings. I also share how we used novelty and dopamine in my son's feeding therapy, including a "game show" approach to sampling every variety of apple, and cutting apples into stars or making apple pasta with a Zoodler. I end with my hypothesis about why PDA individuals tend to seek dopamine, and what that means for how we can think about introducing foods.
Relevant Resources
What Is PDA — Background on PDA as a nervous system disability
Understanding PDA — Deeper dive into PDA frameworks and accommodations
Paradigm Shift Program — Our signature live coaching program where we walk with families as they implement accommodations and move their family forward.

In this episode — Part 2 of our series on eating and PDA — I walk through the 10 misconceptions about eating that I personally had to unlearn in order to help my son. These are beliefs that are completely reasonable for most children and even most neurodivergent children, but do not apply to pathologically demand avoidant kids and teens. I cover why "kids will eat when they're hungry" isn't empirically true for PDAers, why behavioral approaches (even gentle ones) can backfire, why restricting sugar may not be the strategy you think it is, and why looking at eating in isolation misses the bigger picture of cumulative nervous system stress.
I also share what the research does and doesn't tell us, where the methodology gaps are when it comes to neurodivergence, and what has actually changed in our home over the years. If the approaches you've been trying aren't working — or are making things worse — this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways
PDA Kids Won't Just "Eat When Hungry" | 00:05:52 I explain how PDA is defined by a survival drive for autonomy and equality that consistently overrides other survival instincts — including hunger. Even when a child is physiologically hungry, the internalized demand of needing to eat, combined with cumulative nervous system stress, can make eating impossible.
Behavioral Methods Activate the Nervous System | 00:09:20 I walk through why behavioral approaches to feeding — including gentle ones like sticker charts, food rewards, or even subtly positive facial expressions — can backfire with PDA children. Because PDA is rooted in threat perception tied to autonomy, any method where a parent or therapist is the "decider" can trigger a nervous system response that makes eating harder, not easier.
Restrictive Eating Is a Symptom, Not the Problem | 00:14:33 I describe how restrictive eating is often a tipping point — a symptom of cumulative nervous system stress that has built up over weeks, months, and sometimes years. Rather than focusing only on what happens at the moment of eating, I explain why it's important to look at the full picture of a child's daily life and accommodate across the board.
Sensory Strategies Alone Won't Transform Eating | 00:26:15 I share how sensory-based feeding approaches, even fun and play-based ones, can still backfire if there isn't enough autonomy built in. I use an example from my own son's feeding therapy to illustrate how the lack of autonomy around engaging in a sensory protocol was causing him to avoid even the activities he enjoyed.
Sugar, Bento Boxes, and Family Meals Reconsidered | 00:31:09 I go through several misconceptions I personally had to unlearn — including the idea that sugar is the main enemy, that colorful bento box meals represent good parenting, and that home-cooked family meals at regular times naturally lead to healthy eating. I share how I came to think about these differently for PDA children, including what actually changed in my own home over time.
Relevant Resources
What is PDA - a foundational overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.
Free Burnout Masterclass - understand the burnout that can make restrictive eating so challenging for PDA kids.
Paradigm Shift Program® - our signature live program where we support parents to help their PDA children and teens through and out of burnout so their whole family can thrive.
Citations
Love Me, Feed Me - book by Katja Rowell.
Schaefer, Michael, et al. "Experiencing sweet taste is associated with an increase in prosocial behavior." Scientific Reports 13.1 (2023): 1954.
Hammons, Amber J., and Barbara H. Fiese. "Is frequency of shared family meals related to the nutritional health of children and adolescents?" Pediatrics 127.6 (2011): e1565-e1574.

If your child has dropped food after food, won't try new things no matter what you do, and every mealtime feels like a battle — this episode is the first in a four-part series where I get personal.
I'm sharing the story of my oldest son Cooper, who at his lowest point was eating only Honey Nut Cheerios out of a single specific bowl. I walked through grocery store aisles sobbing, frantically looking for protein bars he might eat. I watched him go through the SOS feeding protocol in occupational therapy and add foods only to drop them again. I tried sneaking vitamins into his chocolate milk. Nothing was gaining traction — and I didn't understand why.
In this first episode, I walk you through the years before I had a PDA lens: my own food-focused parenting, the Montessori methods I tried that he refused, the escalating meltdowns around eating, the developmental pediatrician who shamed me for not cooking every meal from scratch, and the moment I finally understood that the root cause of Cooper's eating struggles was not primarily sensory — it was autonomy and equality based.
I also talk about what happened when I stopped the SOS feeding protocol, lowered demands around food, and gave him true autonomy around what, when, and where he ate — and what his eating looks like seven years later.
This episode is for parents currently in the fear of it, for parents whose children have been diagnosed with ARFID or anorexia and haven't responded to traditional approaches, and for feeding therapists and other professionals who are wondering if there is another way to think about what they're seeing.
This is also the first episode in a four-part series. Part 2 covers the logic of viewing eating through a PDA lens. Part 3 covers practical accommodation strategies. Part 4 is tailored specifically to feeding therapy settings.
Key Takeaways
The mango slice that changed everything | 00:07:29 Cooper was about four and a half when he wanted a third or fourth mango slice and I said no. He physically fought me for it, and it escalated into a two-hour screaming meltdown. After that, he refused to eat mango slices entirely — dropping yet another food from his repertoire. That moment was one of the first times I saw the pattern, though I didn't have a framework for it yet.
Why the SOS feeding protocol stopped working | 00:16:05 We started the SOS protocol — a 30-step sensory-based exposure approach — and early on it was progressing. Looking back, I understand now that there was novelty, one-on-one attention, and a lot of autonomy built into the early stages because he didn't have to actually eat anything. But when we moved the protocol into the home during the pandemic, the novelty and dopamine were gone, and the rigid structure became something his nervous system perceived as a demand. He stopped engaging entirely.
Dropping foods rather than expanding them | 00:19:43 The occupational therapist noticed an unusual pattern: every time Cooper added a new adjacent food through sensory bridging, he dropped the one he had previously been eating. His repertoire wasn't expanding — it was staying flat. Through the PDA lens, I later understood that this was him exerting control to get back to nervous system safety: always needing to be in the position of the decider.
The grocery store moment | 00:23:06 I was standing in the aisle of a grocery store frantically picking out protein bars in birthday cake and double fudge brownie flavors, anything I could have in my back pocket for him to potentially eat. I was sobbing. I had watched him drop chocolate milk — his one reliable source of protein. I didn't understand why nothing was working. That moment was when I knew that the frameworks I'd been using didn't apply.
What shifted — and what seven years looks like | 00:26:46 When I finally understood that the root cause was autonomy and equality based — not primarily sensory — I made the decision to stop the SOS protocol, lower demands around food completely, and give him true autonomy: letting him choose what, when, where, and whether he ate, even if that meant Lay's potato chips, Pirate's Booty, and popcorn for almost two years. It was hard. There were moments I reverted, and I could immediately observe his eating reduce. But slowly, he began adding things back. Seven years later he eats carrots, apples, tacos, steak, salmon, pork shoulder, smoothies, pizza, and more — alongside processed food — and he is healthy and growing.
Relevant Resources
What is PDA? — Start here for a foundational overview.
Free Burnout Masterclass — Cooper's eating crisis happened in burnout — learn more about burnout here.
Is My Child PDA? — Take the free survey and/or class to help figure this out.

In this episode, I coach Danielle, a mom from North Idaho who is newer to the PDA lens and has already been making progress with her almost nine-year-old son — but is running into resistance from her husband and her parents, who help with caregiving. Her son has existing diagnoses of ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and disorganized attachment, and was adopted from South Korea. Since discovering PDA a few months ago, Danielle says everything clicked in a way that previous frameworks hadn't.
Her question: how do you get the other adults in your child's life on board — and how do you trust yourself — when the people around you see things through a lens of disrespect and shame?
We talk through why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe, especially because of masking and the fact that the child's most intense behaviors tend to happen with the safest person in the home. I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework for making nonviolent communication requests — specifically, how to make a concrete, bounded request of her parents and husband without needing them to believe in PDA at all. We also talk about how to track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so that the approach becomes an experiment with data rather than a philosophical debate.
Danielle also shares a moment where her son described what it feels like in his body when he's activated: "like a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out." And she shares that he has already started using the language of regulation and dysregulation on his own.

Key Takeaways
Why the primary caregiver is usually leading the charge [00:02:02] I normalize the pattern Danielle is describing — where the primary caregiver, usually the woman in the home, is leading the charge on PDA because she feels the nervous system cost of demands and boundaries viscerally, while other adults don't have the same day-to-day experience.
Why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe [00:08:31] I explain why PDA is especially hard for other adults to get on board with: because of masking, the child may appear fine or even well-attached in settings outside the home, which leads observers to conclude that the parent is a pushover — rather than recognizing that the child is internalizing the threat response and that activation is still accumulating.
Using the PLATO framework with grandparents [00:17:04] I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework (Person, Location, Action, Timing, Object) for making a nonviolent communication request to her parents — specifically, asking them not to step in when her son says rude things at the dinner table. I explain that the request doesn't require them to believe in PDA; it only asks whether they're willing to try something for a bounded period of time.
Turning a skeptical spouse into an experiment partner [00:34:52] I discuss how to approach Danielle's husband, who has been resistant and told her to stop "putting labels" on their son's behavior. I suggest framing it as a two-week experiment: asking him to view the behavior through the PDA lens and track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so the conversation is grounded in data rather than diagnosis.
A child names his own threat response [00:50:26] Danielle shares that her son has already begun using the language of dysregulation and regulation on his own — and that when she asked him what it feels like in his body when he gets upset, he told her: "It feels like I'm a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out."