Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy

Ask David, #491, featuring our beloved Dr. Matthew May.
Can Introverts be helped?
How can we enhance our happiness?
What's the best movie to watch if your father rejected you?
How can I identify my feelings?
The answers to the first two questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question.
Today's Questions
Anonymous asks: Can an introvert become more extroverted? Or are these personality traits "fixed" and unchanging?
Seve asks: I know that TEAM can be super helpful for negative thoughts and feelings, but what are the best tools to enhance happiness and become the person we want to be?
I have a patient whose father rejected her when she was young. What would be a good movie that I could recommend for her?
Anonymous asks: I don't know how to identify my feelings. Can you help?
 
Today's Answers
Question #1
Anonymous asks: Can an introvert become more extroverted? Or are these personality traits "fixed" and unchanging?
Dear Dr. Burns,
I hope this message finds you well.
I would like to ask you a question regarding personality traits. Some articles suggest that introversion and extraversion are relatively stable characteristics—meaning that an introverted person cannot truly become more extroverted, and vice versa (or at least not to a great extent). They also propose that introverts tend to lose energy in social situations and recharge when alone, whereas extroverts gain energy from social interaction.
I'm very curious to know your thoughts on this topic. Do you believe an introverted person can become more extroverted? And in your view, is an introvert's need for solitude more of a true "need" or a "want"?
Thank you very much for your time and for the inspiration your work has provided to so many of us.
Warm regards,
Anonymous
David's reply
If you like, I can make this an Ask David question for an upcoming podcast! It's a cool question and raises many questions: Do "personalities" even "exist?" Is this like the question, "Do we have a self?"
It also focuses on the issue of whether we can change and grow, or whether there is some invisible barrier beyond which we can grow any further, due to some inherent "limit" due to our "personality type."
Best, david
 
Question #2
Dr. Dear David:
I know first-hand how helpful TEAM CBT can be to address negative thoughts and emotions but our path to a happier life and to the person we want to be never really ends.  Are there any other tools that Dr. David may have come across and can suggest for someone's growth?
Thank you,
Steve
David's Answer
Great question, and I'll give you a (hopefully) great answer on the podcast! But here's the quickie answer. Focus on one specific moment when you'd like to be feeling happier, or when you need help on become the person you want to be, and then use a Daily Mood Log, Habit / Addiction Log (HAL), or Relationship Journal, depending on what's needed.
This is the exact same fractal concept we use in all of TEAM CBT!
Warmly, david
 
Question #3
Hi podcast crew: I have a patient whose father rejected her when she was young. What would be a really good movie to recommend do her?
David's Answer
Sadly, I lost my notes from this podcast, but in general David and Matt found this question somewhat offensive, as it suggests you can chase a problem (father rejected me) with a method, in this case recommending a good movie.
We, instead, would recommend TEAM CBT, which is real therapy, and not gimmicks. Movies can be rewarding, but that's not the same as effective therapy!
Rhonda asked David and Matt what was wrong with recommending a movie in the same way we recommend books for clients to read.   Have a listen to hear their response.
 
Question #4
Anonymous asks: I don't know how to identify my feelings. Can you help?
David's Answer
Rhonda said one of her clients could not identify their feelings, unless they have the Feelings Chart in front of them.   David thought that anyone could identify their feelings and explained.
One simple way is to identify a specific moment when you were upset and wanting help. Think about what was going on, who wee you with, where were you, etc.
Then review the Feeling Words charts, which I will link to, to see how many, and which ones, resonate with how you were feeling at that time, or how you may still be feeling.
Feeling Words Chart with Five Secrets, v 2
Another way is to draw a Stick Figure of yourself, and put a bubble above its head. Then imagine the Stick Figure is upset and put the Stick Figure's negative thoughts and feelings in the bubble. They don't have to be your feelings and thoughts, just make some up.
Do it now—on paper! DON'T just think about it. That never works!
Have you done it yet? No? That's what I suspected.
If you ever DO want the answer to your question, so the stick figure on paper and then write me back. Thanks!
Finally, you can listen to the podcast on "I Feel" Statements, and spend one week telling five people a day how you feel, using words from the Feeling Words Chart. For example, when checking groceries you could tell the clerk, "I'm feeling happy because we have such beautiful weather today." Or, "I'm feeling really frustrated with politics this morning!" Or whatever. 
Thanks for listening today!
Matt, Rhonda, and David

Sexting, Bullying, and Social Media--
A Compassionate, Practical Guide for Parents of Teens
Today, we welcome back one of our favorite guests, Taylor Chesney, director of the Feeling Good Institute in New York City. Taylor specializes in TEAM-CBT with children and adolescents and brings a rare combination of clinical expertise and real-life wisdom as the mother of four.
Parents everywhere are worried about social media, sexting, porn, bullying, and the fear that their kids are doing "who knows what" behind closed doors. In this episode, Taylor offers a refreshing and deeply practical message: the solution isn't better apps, stricter rules, or surveillance—it's connection.
Why Blaming Technology Misses the Point
Teen brains are still developing. They're impulsive, thrill-seeking, and wired for belonging and validation. Give teens instant access to peers and social media, and mistakes are inevitable.
Taylor emphasizes that technology itself isn't good or bad—it amplifies what's already happening in a teen's emotional world. The real question isn't how to eliminate technology, but how parents can guide kids in using it safely and thoughtfully.
The Real Protective Factor: Communication
Parents often ask, "What app should I install?" or "How do I stop this?"
Taylor suggests these questions lead to dead ends.
What truly protects teens is a relationship where they feel:
understood rather than judged
supported rather than interrogated
safe coming to parents after a mistake
As Taylor explains, for most teens it's not if they'll face a difficult online situation—it's when. The goal is to make sure they come to you when it happens.
How to Talk So Teens Will Open Up
Using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, especially the Disarming Technique, parents can shift from policing to coaching.
Instead of:
"Why were you on your phone?"
Try:
"Help me understand what was going on for you."
This approach reduces secrecy and increases trust.
Porn, Sexting, and Shame
Discovering porn or sexting can trigger panic and anger in parents—but shaming almost always backfires.
Taylor suggests responding with curiosity and empathy:
"What was that like for you?"
"What do you understand about the difference between porn and real intimacy?"
Sexting often begins innocently—seeking connection, validation, or closeness—but once an image is sent, control is lost. Open conversations help teens think ahead without feeling judged or controlled.
Parents can also teach teens simple, self-respecting responses like:
"I care about you, but I don't need to send that to prove it."
Bullying and Online Drama
Online bullying mirrors real-life dynamics—but faster, more public, and more permanent.
Taylor shares concrete skills teens can use:
Pause before responding
Don't engage when emotions are high
Exit or mute toxic chats
Involve an adult early
Helpful phrases teens can practice include:
"This chat is getting mean—I'm stepping out."
"I'm not comfortable with this."
"Let's take a break."
The Big Takeaway
Mistakes—by teens and parents—are inevitable. The real danger isn't errors; it's secrecy.
When kids know they can come to their parents without fear of shame or punishment, they make better decisions and recover more quickly when things go wrong.
As Taylor puts it: "The kids with the best relationships with their parents make the best decisions."
Thanks for listening, and heartfelt thanks to Taylor for this wise, compassionate, and deeply reassuring conversation.
— David, Rhonda, and Taylor

Download the amazing Feeling Great app today for FREE at FeelingGreat.com! This is my $99 GIFT for you. 
– Dr. David Burns

Meet Richard Lam--
Master TEAM CBT Teacher and Therapist!
Today we chat with Richard Lam. Richard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Mountain View, California. He is a graduate of Palo Alto University. He currently provides short-term therapy for anxiety, OCD, habits/addictions, depression, and relationship concerns using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Richard also trains other therapists in David Burn's model of CBT called TEAM-CBT Therapy. He is a certified Level 5 Master Therapist and Trainer in TEAM-CBT Therapy. 
And today, Richard has gifts for you! They are fantastic! See below!
I began by asking Richard how he got interested in teaching. When he was first learning, he was tutored by Dr. Angela Krumm, an advanced TEAM CBT practitioner and one of the three founders of the Feeling Good Institute. He was loving the training, but one day she said, "That's all I can teach you. Now you have to start teaching!" 
And that started the wagon rolling down the hill. Richard is particularly interested in developing free self-help tools for patients, but also runs a special training class for TEAM CBT therapists who themselves want to become trainers. It meets in-person at the FGI office on Mondays from 12 to 2 PM. If interested, contact Richard (contact information is at bottom of show notes.)
Richard is one of our most articulate TEAM CBT teachers, and is renown for some of his live demonstrations of specific techniques, like Forced Empathy. He has created a series of multi-page interactive teaching guides for a variety of techniques, so you can learn exactly how to do the Double Standard Technique, or the Externalization of Voices in a simple, clear, step-ty-step manner. Here are links to several examples. Check them out and feel free to share them with your patients if you are a TEAM therapist. 
These links are all kick ass! Check them out and do the exercises. You'll be glad you did!
Link to Double Standard Technique
Link to Externalization of Voices 
Link to Externalization of Resistance
Link to I Feel Statements, Part 1
Link to I Feel Statements, Part 2
Link to Feared Fantasy
Link to Forced Empathy
Link to Forced Empathy Handout
Link to Future Projection, for Habits
Link to Paradoxical Ultimatum
Richard tells us that mental health works a lot like physical health. When we don't regularly care for our bodies, things start to deteriorate and the same is true for our minds. These tools give you a way to keep nurturing your mental health so you can maintain a strong, healthy mind.
Richard and I also discussed Acceptance--one of the most difficult concepts for patients and therapists alike to "get." I was delighted to learn he has a five-point plan to help people grasp this concept.
Richard's Five Steps to Acceptance
1. The Win-Win Principle: How can I see this loss as a win?
In high school, Richard had a patient whose heart was set on making the varsity basketball team, and was heartbroken when he only made the junior varsity team. But then he got to thinking that it would be fun to be the start on the JV team because his best friend is also going to be in JV. He relaxed and started to enjoy his practices with the team. 
And
He was promptly promoted to the varsity team! 
2. Remember the butterfly effect! 
Richard described getting angry and frustrated when he was late for an important appointment, and the car in front of him was moving slowly and caused a delay at a red light. His first impulse was to get angry and insist it SHOULDN'T have happened. But then, in reflection, he thought: "Wait a minute. This delay will change the entire trajectory of the rest of my life. And who knows, this could have save my life from some future tragedy if the trajectory of my life had been on time." 
3, Growth mindset
I have always thought of this important idea in simple terms. There is really no such "thing," from a Buddhist perspective, as "success" or "failure." These are just experiences. But often things do not turn out as one hoped. Instead of caving in, giving up, or feeling depressed or frustrated, although those are perfectly reasonable human experiences, you can accept your failure and view it as an opportunity for growth and learning. Our 9 month old grandson has reminded me that when we are learning to walk, we "fail" constantly, falling over, etc. But these are steps in learning that eventually culminates in the ability to walk--which is a miracle!
4. The spiritual view
Acceptance can be thought of as letting go of judgement. Richard treated a woman who was angry at God because she could not have children, and she had always dreamed of having a big family. But from a medical perspective, her anger and constant agitation were actually the main reason she couldn't get pregnant. Shen she began working on reducing her anger using TEAM CBT, she was able to relax, and accept her fate with greater in peace.
And then she suddenly got pregnant! 
I, David, have seen this on many occasions. Check out Podcast #7f9, one of our most popular podcasts ever, with Daisy: "What is the Secret of a Meaningful Life?" Or Podcasts 268 - 269, featuring live work with our beloved Dr. Carly Zankman. Or #349: "What if my family rejects me?" All of these podcasts were amazing, and resulted in rapid pregnancies!
5. Empathy vs anger
Richard described getting VERY angry when someone broke into his car and stole a bunch of stuff, but then asked himself why they did it. He realized that they were probably struggling and desperate for money--for drugs, for food, for family. Understanding someone's story can help lower the anger that you feel.
Richard, Rhonda, and David

Let's face it. We ALL procrastinate. Attempts to "help" nearly always backfire.
Dr. David Burns gets it. Procrastinators don't want help — they want something that actually works. In his upcoming free webinar on February 25, Dr. Burns introduces his paradoxical approach and ten powerful TEAM CBT tools that deliver results. 
Sign up now at FeelingGoodWebinar.com.
Everyone is welcome! Therapists can purchase two CE credits if they attend the live event.
See you there!